


exactly how long

by younoknowme93



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, Oneshot, POV First Person, POV shift, Post-War, Pre-Relationship, Pre-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 02:36:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18421068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younoknowme93/pseuds/younoknowme93
Summary: Lily knows something about Severus, but she isn't quite correct.





	exactly how long

**Author's Note:**

> Short oneshot that I wrote in about an hour. I have other chapters of stories to post that I'll be doing likely tonight.... I forgot my computer at home so I didn't get to finish them and post them now, but I have had this little idea for awhile... I honestly altered it a bit but the first scene I've been thinking about forever.

“So, Severus.”

“What is it Lily.”  He hasn’t even turned to look at me, completely focused on the potion in front of him.  I personally don’t understand any of it, but he’s quite obsessed with it.

“How long exactly have you been in love with James?”  In a rare moment of clumsiness, the vial slips from his hands and crashes to the ground.  Glass shatters and a mild explosion is barely contained by a shielding charm.

“Lily.  I have… no idea what you are talking about.”  He’s still not looking at me, but the back of his neck is red.  Severus has always been pants at lying. 

“I’m not going to tell anyone, I was just wondering.”

“I don’t even like that pompous ass, why would I love him?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I asked.  He’s a downright jerk to you, so I honestly don’t know why you love him.  So, I was wondering how long.”

“Why would you think I love him?!”  I hold my finger to my lips in thought. 

“Well, you don’t look at him like you hate him.  In fact, quite the opposite.  You don’t really put up a fight against him, even though I know you could win if you tried.”  Severus has always been the violent sort and I’ve seen him fight.  It’s scary, but he’s really good in a fight.  “And I already know you’re gay.”

“Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I go after every pretty boy I see.”  Severus and I have both talked at length about how attractive James is.  Stupid, but attractive. 

“Okay, if you don’t like him, then how come you don’t really fight back against him.  We both know you could win.  And don’t tell me it’s because you don’t want to get into trouble because we both know that’s a lie.”  He exhales slowly.

“It’s not… James that I.. lov…like.”  The back of his neck is red again.  I’m helping him clean up the broken shards of glass and he looks as uncomfortable as he always does when we have serious conversations. 

“Alright then.  Remus?  I wouldn’t say he’s my type, but he’s pretty smart, cute too.  And I know you like the nice sort.”

“Lily, I don’t really want to talk about this.”

“It can’t be Sirius.  He’s completely not your type.  I know that Peter annoys you.”

“Lily.  Please.  Can we change the subject?”

“Oh, come on Severus.”

“It’s not any of them okay.”  He pauses in cleaning and exhales.  “When I don’t fight back they hurt me pretty bad.  But every time… Hagrid comes and breaks it up.  And even though I tell him I don’t need help, and even though I’m yelling and complaining, he always carries me to the medical wing if he thinks I can’t walk there.”  He’s pale sunken in cheeks are pink and he’s not looking at me.

“You’re in love with the grounds keeper?”

“Yea.”  He says reluctantly.  “He’s really kind, and gentle.  He’s strong.  And straightforward.  Not quick to anger.  He’s smart too… not book smart, but he’s still smart.”

“That makes sense.  I’d ship it.”

“No, don’t even try to play matchmaker Lily.  I’m more than happy just… having him hold me on the way to the medical wing.

 

*********************************************************** 

 

“I got ya pr’fessor.  No more strugglin’ now.”  It’s never worked before, so I doubt it would work now.  How long ago was it that I told Lily this secret I was harboring.  How long have I loved this man holding me? 

I can’t even talk to demand that he puts me down.  This bite on my neck feels like it’s destroyed my vocal cords.  It’s been so long since he’s carried me like this.  Maybe twenty years.  It’s been so long since his strong arms have lifted me with complete ease and treated me as if I were a fragile doll.  Every time, I know I should be ashamed to have one of his arms cradling my head and the other under my knees supporting my weight and confidently bringing me to the medical wing.

When I killed Dumbledore, I knew that any chance I had of gaining even a friendship with this man was over.  I hate being touched.  I always have.  The only touch I’ve ever known was the feel of my father’s fist striking me.  Or his boot digging into my ribs if he was especially displeased with me.  The marauders continued the tradition.  But Hagrid.  So much larger than me.  He could break my bones just by gripping me to tightly, but I don’t fear his touch.  I know how gentle it is.

The way he’s nursed small injured animals with his massive hands make me feel all the safer.  I’m hurting so bad, and I feel like even breathing is an impossible action, but he securely holds me and I feel like death will have to wait until this moment is over.  It can have me later, but right now, I will enjoy being held.

I can’t even fight back when Poppy removes my outer robe.  She remarks that I’ve lost even more weight since the last time she’s given me medical attention.  This year as ‘headmaster’ I could hardly bring myself to eat.  I just wanted to die sooner.  Hagrid smooths my hair, and I just take the affection without reading into it.

“He has lost quite a bit of blood, and venom has already been pumped all throughout his body.”  These words strike a cord with the half giant and he laughs almost crazed.

“Pr’fessor told me my stupid oafish self would probably die from my lovely beast.  Gave me a Bezoar, he did.  Said it would probably keep me alive.  Still got it to.”  He passes it to her and she forces it into my mouth and with a lot of work, I manage to ingest it.

“Stopping the blood and replenishing his supply will take time, but he appears mostly out of danger.”

I’m so tired though. 

I’m not sure if it’s been hours or days, but every time my eyes open, I feel a massive hand engulfing mine and it’s enough to lull me back to sleep.  I hear people coming and going, but that hand never leaves mine.  Sometimes I feel a lot of pain and sometimes my body feels completely numb.

The next time I open my eyes, large fingers swipe hair out of my face and a booming voice keeps me from closing my eyes back immediately.

“You goin’ to try to stay ‘wake for a bit sir?”

“Ha..g…”  I can only force short syllables out of my mouth and even those are painful.

“No now, don’t force yerself sir.”  He smiles at me and it makes it worth the pain of being awake.  It feels so easy to smile back.  “So sir, if ya don’ mind me askin’.  How long exactly have ya been in love with me?”

Cold chills erase all of the pleasant warmth.  It’s over.  Do not pass go.  Do not collect two hundred euros.  My first instinct is to run away and not face this conversation, but I honestly don’t think I could make it two steps without collapsing. 

Is he disgusted.  Does he pity me.  He pats my hand and I want to lean into the touch as much as I want to run away from it.  I don’t know if my face gave my thoughts away but he’s shushing me as if he were comforting a child.

“Now sir, no need for the sour look.  Was it after ya became a teacher?”  It’s all I can do to shake my head.  “Then before.”  I nod.  “Since ya were a student?”  When I nod, he looks at me impressed.  “Dumbledore told me ya were a spy.  He said ya might need someone once this war was over and that ya had always seemed taken by me.  Told him he was crazy, I did, but it also made sense in a way.”  He pats my hand and I take it away from him.  “Now sir, it’s no’ nice ta be cold to others that care bout yer.  Never been with a man, but yer real pretty and I like yer spunk.”  He smiles again and I don’t know how to respond to him.  “Let’s focus on getting ya well and we will figure out the rest after.”  When he kisses the top of my head I feel like I’m melting.  He takes my hand again and makes sure I’m comfortable.

This is got to be a dream, but the feeling of his large hand never lets go.  I’ve never had anything but nightmares, and this pleasant feeling is anything but.  So, it can’t be a dream.

“Get some rest sir.  I’ll be right here.”  He kisses the top of my hand and it sends searing heat throughout my body.  No.  This isn’t a dream. 

It’s hard for me to think exactly how long I’ve loved this man because the only word that ever comes to mind is always.


End file.
